Below is an e-mail sent in by one of the members of our community? Have you ever in been in her position? if so, what advice or input would you give her?
Hi Joe,
I just ended a 6 months relationship before 
I read your post. I’ve been watching your videos in the past and always agree with what you think. My situation is.. I was with a man who was devoted, caring and super affectionate with me. He was crazily in love with me. Things were extremely great during the first 4 months until we decided to go on overseas holiday together for 2 weeks. Unfortunately things didn’t end up well. Midweek at the holiday he complained about my personalities so I told him if he’s not happy with me then we just have to stick together until the holiday finishes then we go on our separate ways. He was shocked, he said he didn’t wanna go separate ways. Whatever I said that day sticks on his mind because we didn’t even have sex in the last 5 days before the trip ended. On top of that, his boss rang from overseas saying that all employees in the bank that he works for must re-apply for their positions as the company is making people redundant. Then he told me he’s been thinking about things and he told me he’s planning to move to another city to find work opportunities. He said he’s thinking what’s gonna happen to us if he moved and he asked whether he sees a future with me. I told him I didn’t see things far ahead and we’ll figure things out when he DOES move to another city.
Fast forward we’re back in town and sorted things out what happened at the holiday. He said he felt unimportant when I told him to just go our separate ways. Then 3 days later he announced that he’s moving to another city. I was furious that he DID that without consulting it with me. His reasons was that he wanted to do this on his own without anyone else’s opinion becoz he’s done that in the past and he’s not too happy with it. He said he removed his emotional side and be rational. On the next 3 weeks before he moved, I was in emotional mood swings. Sometimes I was affectionate to him and other times I was angry. Finally before taking him to the airport, I told him I was unhappy with his decision and that I dont feel important to him. He told me he’s on my side and he doesn’t want to leave his life in this city either. I told him many times I would support his decision to move but in the end he didn’t consult it with me and that what makes me terribly upset. He said he understands my feelings and wants to work things out with me.
Ten days after he moved, I joined him in his town (which he’s originally from) for a week. Similar things happened like when we were on our holiday. He complained that I was being too high maintenance, too controlling, and neurotic. He introduced me to his parents in the countryside and it was very nice. I get along with his mom very well and likewise she seems to fond me. I also get along with his “difficult” sister.
Since I’m back in my hometown I haven’t been feeling happy. I asked why he complains to me a lot and why does he wanna stay with me. He cried when he realized how bad he treated me, he felt like a sh!t boyfriend and sh!t person. He’s also emotionally distant since he moved. I feel more and more insecure, he’s no longer affectionate towards me and never talks about the future. He used to tell me how he feels all the time and now it’s the complete opposite. He confessed that he feels overwhelmed since he moved to another city and expected to resolve things himself. He said he’s not speaking to anyone else about his problems and he said: You’re my only Light.
Last night I asked whether he’s happy with me. He said he misses the nice time we shared together but he’s struggling with my demand since we’re far away. He said the differences that we have seem to be more and more apparent since we’ve been apart. He said I look at things on surface level and he sees things on a deeper level. He tried to understand my point of view but it’s been difficult. I asked why he wants to keep us going. He said he hopes that things will get better.
Later on that night i messaged him that our differences is real and nothing won’t change unless one of us is willing to sacrifice. I added that the distance puts too much pressure on our issues and I blamed him for leaving me when things get rocky after the holiday. We haven’t build a solid foundation when he decided to move. I told him we might finish it sooner than later on we realize it’s not working anymore. I told him Im tired of dramas and I wanna make love instead of war and Im not getting it from him since we keep arguing. Then I list all my issues with him. How I told him he’s not ready to maintain a rel’ship at the moment, how I felt Im no longer a priority in his life.
He said he deeply cares about me and he wanted the same thing as I do in the end. But I told him caring is not enough – a relationship needs attention and nurture to grow. I feel neglected, unimportant, unappreciated and unwanted. I deserve to be number 1 in a man’s heart. I realize that my needs and wants are not being fulfilled by this man. I dont want to stay in an unhealthy and unfulfilling relationship. Then I told him I’ve made my decision and we’ll talk when he’s ready. He replied by saying that he’s not going to list his issues and agrees that it doesn’t make sense going forward.
My question now… do you think there’s a hope in our rel’ship? It’s extremely painful to let him go. Does he still have any feelings for me? Is he serious or even committed to me or he’s slipping out? is there a future for us? Am I allowed to have hopes with this man or shall I move on? I seems that my head told me to move on but my heart is somehow hoping that things MIGHT get better.
Sincerely,
The Confused and Hurt
So, ladies. What advice would you give to her? please post you comments and feedback below!
Much Love,
Joe
Oooh dear, it seems as if you two were so attracted from the beginning, letting insecure emotions get in the way, allowing you to take a major trip together. Because you both didn’t take the delicious time it takes to really get to know each other, the dynamics were imbalanced with many assumptions, misunderstandings, and egos getting in the way. I know these signs for I have done those myself. I became wadded up into a needy pretzel, ignoring red flags. I have since been attempting to learn more about men and see all the missteps I made! There is no blame, just misunderstandings about myself, and new to men. Btw, he was the first man after my 25 year marriage. He is a terrific man, all man, and has the language of a man. I adore men, for they just want the same things we do, but go about them in their own timeline, and it cannot be rushed.
Dear The Confused and Hurt,
First, I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. With that said, did you read your email? Can you find any pros to this situation? I had trouble finding anything positive about this guy, and practically the relationship. I understand perhaps you are reflecting back on some good times you had with him (unspecified), but you honestly did not mention one, even a little attractive characterisitic about this guy/relationship. When you are not having fun with someone, particularly duing stress free periods (like vacation), what the hell will happen when there is something to worry about (illness, financial concerns, work issues, etc.)?
This guy sounds self centered, insulting, and exhibits characteristics of a borderline personality at times (I don’t like your personality, you are high maintenance, yet you are “my light”). I agree with the other post that mentioned he can not communicate well, and his passive aggressive ways are getting old. If he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t need to be with you, and you don’t need to stick around for even half a second to hear his insults-who cares about his useless opinion anyway??..you??…not me!
. Just to clarify, he is not saying, I just don’t like it when you yell at me- that is something specific and it can be discussed further, and even resolved. There isn’t much to say when someone flat out says, “I don’t like you”- you almost want to tell him, well you don’t have to! If you stay with him, how are you planning to handle that one?….Change to suit him? – I DON’T THINK SO!
The moving away was a very clear sign that his attention and intentions are elsewhere, and the emotional blackmail is exhausting! So considering that he has moved away, doesn’t appreciate or enjoy who you are, and he can not communicate what he wants (honestly-what else is left!?)- it makes the decision easy (at least I think so)…..he doesn’t sound like a prize! I think your time might be better spent clarifying what it is that you want how you want to be treated, your values, etc. Then it might become more apparent to you that this guy really misses the mark….REALLY misses the mark!
Again, it sucks to end a relationship when all you want is to be in one, but quality does matter. Keep your head up, and stay true to yourself. Don’t you want to have sex on vacation in the future??
Best,
Gina
“A shark has to keep moving forward or it dies. What we have here is a dead shark.”
Woody Allen
I see red flags all over the place here.. in my opinion if 2 people are already at odds and not really connecting or getting along so early on in a relationship then something is wrong.. no one to blame really ,, just not compatible.. even though the attraction may have been there in the beginning,, really getting to know someone takes time and it seems they based this more on that immediate chemistry thing and later found that their personalities really didnt click.. the main red flag was that he decided to move without mentioning it to her.. wow,,what a slap in the face !!! Seriously ,, if someone really cares about you and loves you ,, I would hope they would include you in something huge like that…move on you deserve much better.. I would have the seem insecurites and feelings as you..I too have stuck it out with the wrong man for the wrong reasons.. thinking it would work and just hang in because things will change. I am learning the hard way and finally finally picking men who really put me first and sincerely want to be with me and respect me.. good luck
Your story is familiar to me in some ways and I suspect your letter to Joe indicates a desire within to better understand yourself. The content of the story provides the answer you are seeking for this relationship – you told him it was over and he agreed. Perhaps what is truly bothering you is that your words and actions did not match. We’ve all been there when we feel emotionally vulnerable- saying “it’s over” when we don’t really mean it. Guys call it “drama” or “high maintenance” but what’s going on is a backward strategy to get the love that we want. If you repeatedly give a guy a laundry list of how he makes you unhappy and doesn’t fulfill you, he will conclude he can’t make you happy. In essence you are inviting him to break up with you and then holding onto hope for reconciliation. This will only keep you in pain. Accept this is over, don’t contact him, and if he reaches out in the future decide if you want to allow him space in your life. For now, ask yourself what you learned from this experience that will help you create better results in future dating?
You stated that your “needs and wants are not being fulfilled by this man”. No man can fulfill you or complete you. You need to come to a relationship complete in and of yourself and find a relationship that will enhance each of you. What you express in your letter is very wishy-washy and not knowing what you want. You need to take some time for yourself, figure out who you are, what you want, what you want in a relationship and be happy with yourself. You must do this before you will find the relationship that will enhance you and you can share your happiness.
Run,run ,run…the other way! His actions show he doesn’t want you. Move on..too many games going on from both sides.
I may be way off base and it may be a typo, however, the woman said her man friend was upset with her “personalities”. Maybe that is the whole issue. If she is running hot and cold, nice and not nice, and inconsistent in her life, not knowing what she wanted, telling him one thing and then deciding another etc. I would think maybe the man may believe it is too much work to maintain the relationship.
I agree with Gen, a man cannot meet your needs of fulfillment or happiness. I tried that – doesn’t work, lol. And maybe that has something to do with why you’re still confused over the situation – do you maybe think he’s supposed to improve the quality of your life?
I think you need to decide if you really love sharing this man’s company and if it’s worth the change – because you’re definitely going to have to change if you want to make it work. And by change, all I mean is – get out of this flip-floppy state of mind you have going on. You have to be committed. And I don’t mean overly available to him, just committed and really try to make things work by continually bringing your best self to the relationship.
If he doesn’t like your best self – then maybe there’s your answer. So focus on your happiness, and if he wants to be apart of that – I’m sure he’ll find a way. And so will you.
I just had a consultation with Joe today – he’s awesome. I suggest doing his program girl!
All the best xoxo
I think you need to ask yourself, why are you willing to consider staying with someone who is only offering you crumbs and that you currently are unhappy? The first 6 months of any relationship is truly the honeymoon phase. It is a time when you discover who the other person is – good, bad and reality – rather than who you hoped they would be. It sounds like this got serious faster than either had anticipated and both panicked. He understandably at this early stage of a relationship, should be able to make decisions about his life without permission/validation. But so should you. It sucks but use this as a learning opportunity and make the decision to move on.
Dear C& H,
My heart goes out to you. I believe as much as it might hurt right now your “love” is NOT the one for you.
He does not like who you are( i.e. personality, high maintenance, etc) today. It has only been six months, this should be the “pink cloud” of any relationship! This is the “romantic discovery” time; who you are. You have discovered things… you two are not compatible.
Please cry and move on… I’ve been there after many years.
Blessings,
Toni
I agree with Linda. It also seems to me that they both were playing games which only serves to escalate the underlying problems of insecurity on both their parts. She should move on, if he comes back, they need to sit down have a long talk while putting all emotions and blaming each other aside. They need to learn to become friends first, and realize a couple can never go back, they can only move forward.
I think he saw you as a mother figure which seemed to create a love hate relationship. When he got your approval, he was happy but when he didn’t he was hurtful. He didn’t tell you about the move because unconsciously it would have been like asking permission. I would leave and find someone more mature.
From what I have read from the email is that she asks the questions and then answers for him what she wants him to say and then when he does she is unhappy. Time to ask a question and let him respond with his own answer. Its either black or white and no gray areas are accepted. The truth can be painful from whomever but then it is clear on what a person needs to do and can continue on with their life.
What is right for me may not be right for you, But that being said, he moved away from you. He did not suggest that you move together. And, that speaks volumes. That he made the decision to move on his own (for his reasons) is one thing, as you are not married, the decision is truly his. But move away he did.
Also, I can see his reason that during the holiday when things got a little out of wack, your first reaction is to split up. Why was that your first response? So, there are lots of things going on in this situation.
Move on – its time.
Let him go now. It’s going to be harder to let him go the longer you hang on. He sounds to me that he is childish. Not happy with things in a short time then blames you. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. I’m not surprised that he moved home where his Mother lives.
I stuck it out and now it’s going on 4 somewhat miserable years. I regret I didn’t stay gone the first time. I’m actively working on it.
Well …since you have both decided to end it why are you even asking if there is hope? move on and be happy. If he happens to come back into your life later thn worry about it then. Go have some fun with family and friends and get yourself back out there.
I have sympathy with the guy. Looks like she’s giving him a lot of mixed messages. It seems over vacation he was trying to get closer by discussing the things that bother him. She blew him off. Then wanted him back. This is the pattern. I’m not sure what she wants. Would suggest some inner work on her part so she can be secure when with a man. Then there wouldn’t be so many ups and downs in her relationships.
By the way, I sympathize with her, as I used to be just like that. Good luck my dear!
It seems to me that this relationship moved way too fast. Just 4 months in they were talking about a future together and went on a 2-week trip. I’m not surprised that he started to freak out and pull back. Then she freaked out and mistook his need to “go into his cave to think about what he was doing” for rejection, and basically said that she was willing to ditch the relationship without even trying to save it. Which freaked him out even more. He was probably also turned off by some behavior that he might have taken as game playing in regards to his big career decision — she said that she would support him in whatever decision he made, she said she didn’t really want to talk about it (because she doesn’t think that far ahead and they’ll deal with things once he does move), but then she got mad at him for not talking to her about it.
With all of this going on, it’s no wonder everyone got hurt.
My advice would be to move on, and try to do things differently next time.
The dynamics here seem so typical, he wooed, and won her. I think this is the caveman personality. They became deeply involved without learning each other on a more foundational, friendship, level. Evidence of this is how he complains about her personality (was she hiding some behaviors early on?). Or, after reconciling and continuing with the relationship and later meeting his family, does it seem he has trouble bonding? My advice is to her to slow down, become re-acquainted as friends, without expectations. See other people. Give him the opportunity to learn communication skills to better communicate his frustrations. She can be a supportive friend, but not put her life on hold for him. Unless she wants to focus on him; but don’t blame him if he appears negligent as he tries to work through his issues.
Move with him and try to make it work or drop him and move on. Long distance relationships are suicide.
You deserve to be #1 and only you can make yourself be tha #1. Don’t rely on a man to make you happy.